Saturday, June 18, 2005

in a bar (revised)

I stand
among hundreds of
onlookers not looking
at me.

I drink
to drown the quiet,
but my ears are

I wait
for her
to take my hand
and take me


stan laurel said...

I absolutely LOVE all of the suggestions you made. Thank you so much. I really like the way the poem looks. I feel it better matches the mood I was feeling at the time.

It just goes to show you how great a fresh perspective is when you are writing. Thanks Anonymous!

Anonymous Poet said...

No problem! I'm just your friendly, neighborhood Anonymous Poet. Every neighborhood should have one, shouldn't it? ; )

I am glad that I could make some useful suggestions! I really like this poem. I hope it is OK that I made as many suggestions as I did. I was having a lot of fun just playing around. So, I hope I didn't seem overbearing. I think the process of making art is so interesting. You can get so close to something. Then, when you stand back, or have someone else take a look, you can see something that was not apparent before. I hope my suggestions were useful, but that YOU were ultimately able to play around and experiment so that you could polish up something, so that YOU really like it!

(I like the way this turned out, too. Especially pulling out "home" as a last line. I think that emphasizes what you are really longing for in this poem).

Take care!

. : A : . said...

Yes, agree, very nice this time round.