Monday, June 13, 2005

in a bar

I stand
alone
among hundreds of onlookers
not looking
at me.

I drink
to drown the quiet,
but my ears are numb
and hot.

I wait
for her to take my hand,
and take me home

9 comments:

Anonymous Poet said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous Poet said...

I was thinking like this:

I stand
alone
among hundreds
of onlookers
not looking
at me.

I drink
to drown
the quiet
but my ears
are numb
and hot.

I wait
for her to
take my hand
and take me home


This is just one pass at it. I would suggest playing around a little bit with this a couple of different ways, until it feels "right." Sometimes things "look" different in different fonts and styles. And they "sound" different in our minds as a result.

Anonymous Poet said...

or maybe you could do the last stanza like:

I wait for her
to take my hand
and take me home.

That might keep it from getting too "slow," visually.

Anonymous Poet said...

Actually, I am going to give this another try. Sorry! (I just like it so much).




I stand
alone
among hundreds of
onlookers not looking
at me.

I drink
to drown the quiet,
but my ears are numb
and hot.

I wait
for her
to take my hand
and take me home.




I've tried to keep it from getting too "slow" in some places, which maybe the first version did.

Anonymous Poet said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous Poet said...

Also, if you really want to hit "numb" you could make it a separate line all by itself before "and hot." I guess it depends on how hard you want to hit that word.

transience said...

very nice suggestions here. and i still like the poem.

gulnaz said...

'I wait
for her to take my hand,
and take me home'

my favourite part in this poem.
you have captured the feelings in this poem very well.

nice suggestions by anon poet.

floots said...

Nice one. Took me back to a lot of long evenings.