I stand
alone
among hundreds of onlookers
not looking
at me.
I drink
to drown the quiet,
but my ears are numb
and hot.
I wait
for her to take my hand,
and take me home
Monday, June 13, 2005
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9 comments:
I was thinking like this:
I stand
alone
among hundreds
of onlookers
not looking
at me.
I drink
to drown
the quiet
but my ears
are numb
and hot.
I wait
for her to
take my hand
and take me home
This is just one pass at it. I would suggest playing around a little bit with this a couple of different ways, until it feels "right." Sometimes things "look" different in different fonts and styles. And they "sound" different in our minds as a result.
or maybe you could do the last stanza like:
I wait for her
to take my hand
and take me home.
That might keep it from getting too "slow," visually.
Actually, I am going to give this another try. Sorry! (I just like it so much).
I stand
alone
among hundreds of
onlookers not looking
at me.
I drink
to drown the quiet,
but my ears are numb
and hot.
I wait
for her
to take my hand
and take me home.
I've tried to keep it from getting too "slow" in some places, which maybe the first version did.
Also, if you really want to hit "numb" you could make it a separate line all by itself before "and hot." I guess it depends on how hard you want to hit that word.
very nice suggestions here. and i still like the poem.
'I wait
for her to take my hand,
and take me home'
my favourite part in this poem.
you have captured the feelings in this poem very well.
nice suggestions by anon poet.
Nice one. Took me back to a lot of long evenings.
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